One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year."
.....
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the ribeye, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
.....
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, etc. - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house, then came out with a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing so hard I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather wasn’t going to get any better.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My dear loving wife replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
.....
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look so old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
.....
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year."
.....
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the ribeye, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
.....
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, etc. - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house, then came out with a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing so hard I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather wasn’t going to get any better.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My dear loving wife replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
.....
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look so old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
.....
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