'Audiophilophobia' from the DSM:
Exposure therapy involves listening to a book-on-vinyl rendition of Ulysses played simultaneous with the latest Pitchfork moombahton review through circuit-bent Ultrasone headphones - as read by a post-coital Morrissey through a conch shell and a minor-headcold-stricken Morgan Freeman through the resonator of an acoustic/electric dobro, respectively - which are then fed into a Metasonix-amp-to-ribbon-mic-to-solid-state-compressor chain, EQ-ed to 'mauve', digitally treated with the sine-based (as opposed to starter pistol-based) impulse response of an asymmetrical, hexagonal, 6"-OC-703-buttressed live room in a crypt below the streets of Paris with a floor made of shaved and non-shaved tennis balls (as selected randomly by Rover Norquist, Chris Lord-Alge's niece's synesthetic, tone deaf dog) in a 'mock-hobbyist' imperfect quadratic diffusion pattern, and finally, mastered for cassette.
Traditionally, patients were blindfolded and submerged in a lukewarm (get it) Bacta tank. Although a tight seal generally prevented binaural complications within the headset, the speed of sound in Bacta was causing tactile phase problems. Accordingly, best practices now indicate a tank rolled in orange denim rockwool, velour-spin-cycled at 16.66 RPM six degrees off-axis and filled with a solution of 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine. Likewise, the traditional christening of the tank with vacuum tubes has not been shown to appreciably expedite recovery, and it is passing uncommon for insurance plans to cover such 'tubing'.
Caution: a non-insignificant number of patients have died from traumatic head-splosion during treatment. This is not believed to result from therapy directly. Instead, 'the splojes' - as the complication is known colloquially in medical circles - is most often associated with 'forgetting to turn the volume down before switching to KISS FM'.
Lovers gonna hate.
