Joke

Dick Rees

Dick Rees

Curmudgeonly Scandihoovian
Jan 11, 2011
1,551
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St Paul, MN
A band leader had a problem.......his guitarist couldn't make a gig at a downtown club. So he put an ad in the union magazine. The only response he got was from an oboe player who had been laid off from the local symphony.

"Can you play guitar?"

"Yes, it's one of my doubles."

"Ever played a club gig?"

"Sure, but not for a long time."

The band leader (not impressed) decided to test the guy. Holding out his right hand he held two fingers straight up.

"Do you know what this means?"

"Yeah. Two up means two sharps......key of D. No problem."

Band leader holds out his hand again with three fingers pointing down.

"That's three down.......key of E flat. No problem."

Band leader (still unimpressed) says, "Well, I don't know....."

The orchestra guy was getting fed up, so he held out both his hands.......right hand, two fingers up, left hand, three fingers down and says to the band leader, "OK. What's this?"

The band leader thinks a while, then says, "I give. What is it?"

"Bela Bartok on a club gig."

Thank you ladies and germs!!!!!!!!!!
 
Re: Joke

TKS for that, Dick. (Punctuation important in that sentence.)

Here is one I came across lately that I had not heard:

q: how many Sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a: six, one to turn it, four to say "isn't that a bit high for you, dear?", while the last one kicks the ladder out from under her.
 
Re: Joke

Jack Arnott said:
TKS for that, Dick. (Punctuation important in that sentence.)

Here is one I came across lately that I had not heard:

q: how many Sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a: six, one to turn it, four to say "isn't that a bit high for you, dear?", while the last one kicks the ladder out from under her.
Click to expand...

{insert Geri O coffee-spew here}
 
Re: Joke

The widow of a recently deceased fellow is at the mortuary making final arrangements. Funds were tight and as she gazed at her late spouse laid out in a blue suit she sighed, "Oh......he always wanted to be buried in a brown suit."

The mortician replies, "We can take care of that for you at no cost. We have another funeral and he's wearing a brown suit but wanted blue."

"Oh, that would be really nice of you", says the widow.

"Hey, Joe!", yells the undertaker, "switch the heads on 3 and 4!"
 
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Re: Joke

A recently widowed Grandfather has to shop for his young granddaughter's Christmas gifts. He has no clue since his wife always did that kind of thing. He goes to a local Toys R Us and wanders aimlessly, overwhelmed by the selection. A salesgirl notices his plight and offers to help. They look over a few possibilities until he finally says: "You know, in my day girls always liked Barbie dolls. Are girls still into them?" The salesgirl says "Absolutely" and proceeds to take him to the doll aisle. Once again he's overwhelmed by the selection so he asks the salesgirl to pick out two popular Barbies. As he muses the two dolls she picked out he asks: "I remember Barbie dolls always came with Ken... do they still come with Ken these days?" The salesgirl replies: "No, she always fakes it with Ken, she only comes with GI Joe."

Ba dum crash.
 
Re: Joke

Since I am/was an oboe player I have the right to tell the following jokes.

How many oboe players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one-but he has to go through 20 to find the one that has the right response.

What is a burning oboe good for? Lighting a bassoon on fire.
 
Re: Joke

A physics professor is lecturing in front of his class, and he has a beaker on the table in front of him. He fills it with marbles and asks the class "Is it full yet?" to which the class nods. So then he pours shot into the beaker, and it takes quite a bit. The class seems mildly surprised. So he asks again "Is it full now?" to which the class nods again. So he proceeds to pour sand in the beaker. This time, he has to shake it but it eventually takes quite a bit of sand. He asks again "How about now?" and the class responds with "it's full!". Then the professor opens a can of beer and pours it into the beaker. He asks "what's the lesson here?" and someone from the back of the class says "There's always room for beer."
 
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