PUNishment.......

Dick Rees

Dick Rees

Curmudgeonly Scandihoovian
Jan 11, 2011
1,551
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St Paul, MN
Read at your own risk:

Back in the day, a newly hired member of the Senate dining room wait staff was called into the office and reprimanded.

"What did I do wrong?"

"You served the senator from South Carolina the wrong sea-food dish."

"I gave him a nice lobster."

"WRONG!!! Everyone knows it's always a clam before the Strom!"
 
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Bennett Cerfs favorite joke, gardeners talking, blah blah blah
Punch line only
"With fronds like that, who needs anemones"
 
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One of my dad's favorites was about a king in a small African kingdom who didn't have enough money for a castle or a crown,
but lived in a grass hut and did have a throne. He finally decided it was stupid to sit on a throne in a grass hut with no
crown, so he put the throne in the attic. It fell out and killed him in his sleep the first night.

Moral of the story: People who live in grass huts shouldn't store thrones.
 
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Jack Arnott said:
One of my dad's favorites was about a king in a small African kingdom who didn't have enough money for a castle or a crown,
but lived in a grass hut and did have a throne. He finally decided it was stupid to sit on a throne in a grass hut with no
crown, so he put the throne in the attic. It fell out and killed him in his sleep the first night.

Moral of the story: People who live in grass huts shouldn't stow]/b] thrones.
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Slight alteration. That's the way I heard it 54 years ago.
 
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Henry Cohen said:
Of course. You should know vampires can't be exposed to sunlight.*

(*Any similarity with Shylock purely coincidental - or in the words of Mr. Rees, "cohen-cidental".)
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Good thing Shakespeare's Shylock wasn't a vampire... While entitled to his contractual pound of flesh, he was not entitled to any blood. And thinking about this a bit more... blood isn't kosher, so an observant vampire would have a tough time with dinner reservations. Hmmm. I can almost hear a Lenny Bruce schtick about this....
 
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Oh my, did anyone else read this? It seems a midget clairvoyant has escaped from the Point of the Mountain penitentiary. He is armed and considered dangerous because he can also read and control your mind.
REPEAT: There is a small medium at large.
 
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The Wisconsin Dept of Natural Resources was determined to find a replacement game fish for the fast disappearing Lake Superior lake trout. First they tried stocking Coho salmon, but they couldn't take the cold water, so they crossed it with the native walleye and got a hybrid they called a Cowal. The problem was that it was too small to really interest the fishermen, so they made another cross with the muskie and came up with a nice-sized game fish which wouldn't succumb to the cold water. Trouble was the Cowalskie couldn't swim.
 
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kristianjohnsen said:
Special for you, Dick!
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The ruling despot of a remote kingdom had some very unusual pets. In a large tank inside his Presidential Palace, he kept several porpoises. As will happen with owners and their pets, they bonded and took on each other's personality traits, so these porpoises were quite nefarious and enjoyed luring people to the side of their pool, then drenching them or biting them if they got too close.

These porpoises also required a very special diet: newly hatched sea gull chicks. They wouldn't eat anything else, so the despot had to import truckloads of them weekly from the coast.

One day there was an accident at the State Zoo and several lions escaped. As they were on the loose, they strayed onto the main highway where they were run over by the truck delivering the hatchling gulls to the Palace. The despot was immediately put to death, because...

It's illegal to cross state lions with young gulls for evil porpoises.
 
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For all who love to groan -

A scientist finally succeeded in cloning himself, but all his clone would do was hang around and spew out cuss words. After a week of that, the scientist finally got fed up and pushed his clone out of his 10th story office window.

A short time later there was a knock on his office door. The scientist opened the door to find a policeman who said " I'm going to have to arrest you ............................for making an obscene clone fall."
 
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The aged bell ringer for a local church died after 60 some years of service. The replacement committee put out ads for a new hire. The first candidate to audition, when handed the rope, declined and asked to go up to the belfry where he proceeded to run full-tilt at the bell and leap at it head-first......producing a fine, musical "bonnnggggg". The committee was amazed and asked to see it again. A bit dazed, the fellow backed up, took another run at the bell, leapt head-first.....and missed, flying out of the belfry, plunging 90 feet to the ground where he lay in a crumpled heap.

The police were called. They interviewed the committee members, asking if anyone knew the fellow. One member raised his hand and said, "No, can't say as I do. But his face rings a bell."
 
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There was a pun contest so I entered 10 times to have a better chance.
I was hoping one of them would win but no pun in ten did.
 
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